


The stars cried out

by astropixie



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Abandonment, Angst, Disordered thinking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Everyone deserves better in this fic, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, Loneliness, M/M, Mental Health Issues, PTSD of abandonment, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Violence, knightpilotweek, stealing from extended universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-21
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2018-07-16 08:05:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7259314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astropixie/pseuds/astropixie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kylo always had to break something before someone would notice him, and he had no problem breaking the galaxy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is for [Knightpilot week](http://knightpilotweek.tumblr.com/), the theme being "Early days." I thought of early days as kids, and early days of Kylo attempting to come back to the light, thought about Poe being there for that process and...this happened, I'm really sorry how sad this is.

_(“I’ll be back later, sweetheart. Why don’t you play with Threepio?”)_

Kylo Ren bit his lip as he piloted into the heart of the Maw Cluster, a seething mass of bright ionization around impossible black holes, created by a long forgotten race.

_(“Your usefulness to me has come to an end, Kylo Ren.”)_

The ship groaned, and he unashamedly used the Force to help guide him through the graveyard of unlucky, unskilled pilots who couldn’t navigate the gravitational forces, their last moments of panic enshrined in the Force, echoing through his mind, even though their wreckage had likely long ago succumbed to the pull.

_(“Guess my friend is really gone.”)_

The gases swirled bright blue, like a dancer’s scarves, graceful and soothing except for the radiation alarm that sounded in his cockpit. With a snarl he gestured toward the control to shut it off.

_(“Your compassion is your undoing. I have no need for a fighter so distracted by the light.”)_

The ship shook, and he gripped the controls, sensing the safe path ahead, mostly in line with what the navigational computer said. He probably wouldn’t have been able to trust himself without the computer backing him up.

_(“Sweetheart, no one likes Threepio, but you can’t just take him apart when you’re angry.”)_

Did the Resistance even receive his message? He checked his communication panel every minute and more before going into the Maw and it was too late now to check again, but he hoped they did. His ship, stolen from the First Order, probably couldn’t make the return trip.

The cockpit started to heat up, and another alarm went off. Sweat soaked his robes, and he remembered the humid heat of Yavin 4, crunching through the leafy forest floor, even a slow pace sending droplets of sweat down his back on the hottest days. The group of young friends, led by Poe Dameron, walked to a waterfall to cool off and they laughed and splashed, but he overheard it, he heard everything even when they didn’t say it aloud:   _“I wish Poe hadn’t invited that weird Ben kid.”_

He got out of the water and wordlessly walked away.

“Hey! Ben, where you going?” Poe called.

Ben hid behind a Massassi tree, leaning against the bark, water dripping from his swim trunks to _pit-pat_ softly on the leaves underfoot. They all went quiet for a moment but went back to laughing and joking with him gone. And no one came looking for him, as the minutes passed, and he leaned against the tree fighting tears.

He imagined what it would be like for Poe to find him alone at the tree. “Hey, buddy,” he would say. “Come back and swim with us.”

And Ben would shake his head, arms wrapped around himself.

And Poe would take his hand from his side and hold it firmly and say, “Well, I’ll stay here with you. We can go back when you want. Don’t worry.”

But it wasn’t true, and when Ben opened his blurry eyes he just saw the darkening forest and heard the bubbling water with everyone laughing, happier without him.

Not even his grandfather would ever appear to him, and now he was so afraid the times he had were Snoke in his head, not real at all—

Snoke had always been there until he wasn’t.

Kylo blinked back tears and focused on flying, trying not to think of what had gone wrong, when things changed—he just wasn’t strong enough, wasn’t good enough, that’s why Poe didn’t look for him behind the tree and his parents never looked for him when he disappeared and even his grandfather didn’t appear to him.

The groaning of the hull ceased, and Kylo felt like he entered the eye of a storm, surrounded in a cocoon of light formed by the violent gravitational wells and charged particles near the black holes. An old Imperial station hung suspended in this safe zone, harsh angles and metal against the soft light around him. Maw Installation. Home of superweapon designs he had heard of and half-hoped were true. He sensed no one living on the station, and he brought the ship closer to dock.

He always had to break something before someone would notice him, and he had no problem breaking the galaxy.

* * *

Poe crossed his arms while Leia showed him the transmission they received, alone in her office with BB-8 at his side. A little hologram of Kylo Ren, black-clad and masked, flickered to life at her desk.

“I have access to weapons beyond imagining. More terrible than Starkiller Base. I can arrange the complete destruction of the First Order as well as the Resistance. But I see no need for that. I would prefer an alliance.”

Poe’s eyebrows went up, and BB-8 whirred.

“I await your response. Make it soon. I should hate to use this on you.”

The hologram flickered out. Poe looked to Leia, heart hammering, and saw the General’s eyes were closed.

“That’s quite a message,” Poe said into the silence. “Has anyone else seen this?”

She opened her eyes and looked at him gravely. “I need your help.”

“You got it, what do you need?” he said instantly.

She smiled. “I know where he is. I want to go there and bring him home.”

He drew in a breath. “General, I don’t need to tell you what happened last time someone tried to bring him home. Not to mention we have other priorities right now.”

She nodded. “Things are different now. We know he’s left the First Order. Snoke dropped him as soon as he captured Rey. He’s angry and he’s lashing out. I think he’s going to do what he says.”

Poe shook his head. “He’s bluffing. There’s no way he can do what he says, we know there’s no more Starkillers or Death Stars—“

“Do we?” Leia asked, and Poe shut up, unsure. “We were caught by surprise before. And—I sense his intentions. I sense him more strongly than I have in some time. I think he’s serious. I also think he wants to come home.”

Poe shrugged. “So he can come home, in the meantime we have a real rescue operation to pull here, Rey is in real trouble—“

“So is my son,” Leia said. Her voice broke while she said it.

Poe worked his jaw, thinking of how he would explain to Finn that he wasn’t going to help get Rey away from Snoke, that instead he was taking the General to follow a bluffing message from her shadow of a son. His friend who was gone forever.

“Okay,” he said at last. BB-8 warbled in fear, which he ignored. “I’ll take you. But I’m taking a bigger blaster this time.”

 * * *

“Be careful!” Leia shouted.

“Maybe you’d like to fly, General!” Poe shot back.

Alarms blared, the hull creaked disturbingly, and Poe followed the thin safe path through the gravity wells with expert precision, but the ship jerked and threw them both against their crash webbing. Somewhere in the back, BB-8 tumbled around with a loud clang and blatted at him to hold the ship steady before they all died.

“We’re doomed!” Threepio agreed.

“I appreciate everyone’s confidence.” Poe winced as a new alarm went off and an electrical system started smoking. “BB-8, tamp that down, will you?”

BB-8 went “thunk” into another bulkhead as the ship jerked again and retorted that they needed to be still before repairs could happen.

“Fine, fine, we’re almost there,” Poe said, watching the blue ion storms swirling around the gravity wells. It would be pretty if it weren’t so deadly. Kind of like the person they were hoping to find there.

Their flight path smoothed as they got out of the narrow safe path and into a wide, almost perfectly spherical area inside the cluster of black holes itself, an area of perfectly still space. Everything about it felt unnatural, even the harsh blue glow of radiation surrounding them, and especially—

“There it is,” Leia said, pointing.

Poe swallowed and brought the ship closer. It was obviously an old Imperial station, maybe fifty or more years old, light and angular and hovering completely still in the middle of the Maw.

All of Poe’s instincts as a fighter pilot screamed that he needed backup, they needed cover, they needed about a hundred ion cannons, but the place seemed uninhabited. As they got closer, he saw that the hangar bay door was open, a dark entrance against the bright metal of the station. 

“He’s here,” Leia said. “And he’s left the door open.”

It did look that way. He docked amid several Imperial shuttles in the little hangar bay, setting down with the tiniest of bumps. BB-8 ribbed him for the "rough landing."

“Yeah, yeah,” Poe said, unbuckling.

“It looks abandoned,” Leia said, peering out of the viewport. The lights flickered, and some areas of the hangar bay were completely dark.

“Mistress Leia, please tell me we are not going inside?” Threepio asked.

In response she grabbed a breath mask for low atmosphere and patted his golden shoulder.

“Oh dear,” Threepio said.

The four of them walked and rolled off the ship, looking around. An old glowpanel sparked and emitted a constant low buzz, but other than that the station’s hangar bay was eerily still and quiet, the old shuttles looming and casting long shadows. 

“Let’s move in,” Leia said, her blaster out and her voice slightly muffled by the mask.

Poe took the lead, followed by Leia, then the two droids vying to be last.

“I think we need to consider a new ‘courage’ subroutine,” Poe quipped, and BB-8 honked at him to mind his own “reckless” subroutine.

“Would you two be quiet?” Leia snapped.

“Dear me,” Threepio added, earning a harsh glare from the General. “Personally, BB-8, I find your judgement quite prudent.”

BB-8 quietly told him that they didn’t care what a protocol droid thought.

“Well, really,” Threepio said.

They went through the corridors, all silent, all dimly-lit and sometimes not lit at all, the only light coming from Poe and Leia’s blaster rifles, and a light from the top of BB-8’s head. Their footsteps sounded loud against the smooth deckplates. Poe kept expecting to see the towering black-robed figure, kept expecting that his light would suddenly land on the tattered fabric and the scratched mask, a figure where there should only be emptiness. But they didn’t come across anyone.

“He’s here,” Leia said. “I feel him.”

“He could come out and say hi,” Poe said, although privately he hoped that didn’t happen.

Leia opened a door, and pointed into the room with her blaster rifle. “Ben?” she called.

Poe moved to stand in front of her, heart thumping in his ears. Old, very old computers in rows lined this whole room, which looked out into the expanse of the safe part of the Maw. He scanned the room, blaster ready.

“Ben, I know you’re here,” Leia called. “I got your message and I’m here.”

“You found me,” a deep voice growled, and Poe whirled, blaster practically against the chest of Kylo Ren. The towering figure cocked his head. “I didn’t expect…”

Leia gestured for Poe to back away, which he did gladly, keeping his blaster trained on him, while the droids both panicked and fled to the other side of the room.

Leia looked up at him, eyes glassy. “Sweetheart.”

Kylo Ren stepped away from her.

Poe smirked. Not so scary now, that he was afraid of his own mother.

“Why are you here?” Ren asked.

The General reached out a hand. “I’m here for you.”

Poe held his breath, watching.

Ren looked down at the outstretched hand and backed away again. “You received my message. You know what I’m capable of.”

Leia smiled sadly. “Let’s go, Ben. Let’s go home.”

He backed away another step. “You want to stop me.”

She folded her arms. “I know Snoke hurt you but there are other ways to attack him besides blowing up more planets.”

“You’re still not here for me,” Kylo said. “You just want to stop me.”

“I’m here for you now,” Leia insisted.

Poe remembered the tearful retelling of how Kylo Ren killed his father, told back and forth by Finn and Rey as one dissolved into tears and the other had to take over, and this was way too close to that story. He adjusted his grip on the blaster.

Kylo looked at him suddenly, mask blank but definitely staring at him, and he tensed, finger on the trigger.

“Ben, you remember Poe Dameron,” Leia said, sounding exactly like a parent at a dinner party with a shy little kid. “You remember him, right? He flew me here to see you.”

Kylo’s fists clenched, and Poe held his breath, ready to pull the trigger. He so wanted to tell the General to be more careful, he already killed his father, why not his mother too?

Kylo looked away from him at last, hands relaxing, although his mask made a strange noise, as if he were…crying?

“Sweetheart, I’m here,” Leia repeated. “Come here. Let me hold you.”

He stepped away again. “You just want to stop me.”

This family reunion was too hard to watch. Leia, her hands outstretched, and Kylo Ren staring down at them, uncertain, taking another step backward each time Leia tried to approach. 

Poe put his blaster up. The motion made Kylo jump and stare at him again, but he didn’t attack.

“Come on General, we spooked him by being here,” Poe said. “Let him go." 

General Organa fixed him with a glare, but Poe went on. “He wasn’t expecting us.” _Like woolamanders back on Yavin 4, you can’t corner them, they have to come out to you._ “Just let him go and he can come to us later if he wants.”

“I’m not—“ Kylo started to say, but he turned and strode away.

Poe watched him go, and held the General back from following.

“We don’t know what he’s going to do,” Leia hissed at him.

“That conversation wasn’t solving anything,” Poe said.

Leia watched where he had disappeared. “He won’t come to us. If he wanted to he could have come back already. He never did.”

* * *

_Are you happy now? They came to stop you. It’s not the same as what you wanted. Someone to follow you. You’re so pathetic._

Kylo held on to a console in the ancient engineering lab overlooking the swirling radiation of the Maw, fighting tears stinging his eyes.

They only came looking for him because they were afraid of what he would do. Not for him. Exactly like his father pretending he wanted him back, Han Solo only cared about him as an afterthought. Stop Starkiller Base first, then maybe pick up his son on the way out. It wasn’t the same as actually caring.

He took off his mask and wiped his eyes. He walked off into the forest hoping Poe would follow him, but he never did.

Maybe this shallow imitation of caring was all he could hope for. Poe would never follow him and take his hand and tell him he would stay and it _hurt._

He watched the door to the lab but no one entered.

He turned away from the door, wiped his eyes again, and sifted through the database. He could do this. He didn’t want to fire Starkiller but he wanted this. He could do this and pretend that when they came to stop him again, they were there for him and not for everyone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Links I looked at for this: [Emotional abuse phases](http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/idealize-devalue-discard-the-dizzying-cycle-of-narcissism-0325154)
> 
> [PTSD of Abandonment](http://www.abandonment.net/articles/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-of-abandonment-part-i-an-overview-and-list-of-30-characteristics).


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first time he saw a sun up close was with Poe, of course.

Leia knelt at an access panel by a row of computers in the old lab space, hissing in annoyed pain as it sparked. One of the computers whined like BB-8 every time Poe blew a fuse on a too-fast maneuver, but the rest lit up, warming to life.

“What are you doing?” Poe asked.

“Let’s learn what we can.” Leia pounded a fist on an unresponsive monitor; it blinked and switched on. “See if we can find out what this station was for, get an idea what Ben’s up to. Threepio, plug in and see what you can find.”

“Of course, Mistress Leia.” The golden droid trundled over to her and wired himself into the old computer. Soon he started to make thoughtful noises of “Hmm,” and “Well, I never,” and “Dear me.”

“What is it?” Leia asked.

“We’re doomed!”

“Threepio…”

“I am sorry, Mistress Leia. Here, let me see…”

Threepio brought a flickering security feed to the monitor, and they crowded around. Kylo Ren knelt beside a craft in a small hangar bay, without his helmet. Poe hadn’t seen his face in over ten years, although the poor quality of the feed didn’t show much—a cloud of dark hair around a pale blur of a face. Poe looked away.  

“It appears Master Ben has located a cache of superweapons aboard a small craft capable of destroying suns,” Threepio said. “Entire solar systems could be wiped out.”

“Guess giving him some space wasn’t the way to go.” Poe headed to the door, blaster over his shoulder and ready to run, but Leia waved for him to wait.

“He doesn’t want to do it.” She touched the fuzzy image on the old monitor, as if she could reach through and touch her son. “Look.”

Poe indulged the general by watching, trying to see where she was coming from. Kylo hung his head, pausing in his work. Privately Poe thought it simply looked as though he was taking a break but he shrugged and said, "Could be you're right." 

Leia turned to Threepio. “You’re up, Threepio.”

The droid shifted sideways to look at her. “Up, Princess Leia?”

She jerked her head toward the screen. “You used to be close with Ben. Try to make him see reason.”

Poe looked at her, and she explained. “Threepio is probably less threatening than you or I.”

Poe admired Leia’s subtle manipulation. She could get people to do a lot, and droids apparently weren’t immune. Threepio seemed to consider and talk himself into it. “Well, I did used to be quite close with him. Yes. Yes, perhaps he will listen to me.”

* * *

BB-8 dragged Threepio’s head back into the lab by a cable, golden eyes staring upward and flickering. The bent speaker grill stammered static and apologies while Leia rubbed her head.

“So much for that. I’m going in,” she said, hand on her blaster.

Poe blocked the exit and said something he immediately regretted: “I’ll try.”

She raised an eyebrow at him. “I nearly had him and you said to let him go.”

“Because he might kill you!” Poe burst out.

Leia rubbed her forehead. “What do you suggest, then?”

Poe nodded, thinking. “I think we went about this wrong. Let’s act like we want to go along. We want him as an ally, we want this superweapon, all of this. Maybe we’ll get further, anyway.”

Leia looked down at the gibbering golden head on the deck. BB-8 poked Threepio’s head and rolled back with a squeal when his eye sparked loudly.

“Okay,” she said. She sat down heavily, watching BB-8 try to approach the sparking beheaded droid. “I think you’re right. We’re his family and…that isn’t working. He needs someone to be a friend.”

* * *

The first time he saw a sun up close was with Poe, of course.

Kylo swallowed as he ran his gloved hand along the sleek hull of the small craft containing the death of twelve star systems. Not as grand as Starkiller Base—a more subtle power that no one would see coming. He clenched his fist; even now, he struggled against the light, remembering the pain and screams from afar as the Hosnian system died—or maybe it wasn’t the light, it was his own cowardice, he didn’t want to feel like that again.

The first time he saw a sun up close was with Poe on a training flight, a quick romp around the Yavin system and back, doing some emergency maneuvers. (His dad hadn’t bothered teaching him in a safe way like that.) Poe asked his instructor Olia, an old Sullustan, if Ben could come along while he practiced controlled high gravity maneuvers and stalls. He sat in the back of the training craft, mouth open at the wall of harsh light barely filtered through the windowport warming his face.

“You’re not supposed to look at it, you know,” Poe called over his shoulder.

Ben ducked his head, chastised, and he heard the instructor’s thoughts, almost easy to let run through his mind like water because he had to think about the language, but he knew Sullustan and he knew that Olia beamed at Poe’s progress, but huffed inwardly about the distraction presented by his friend. Ben resolved to stay quiet and not distract him. 

Ben kept his hands on the sides of his seat, hanging on during the sharp maneuvers. Instead of looking at the star directly, he reached out with the Force. He felt energy, boundless, massive and powerful in his mind, and he…heard something? He closed his eyes and tilted his head, straining to hear. Just like the shift a moment before understanding another language, in that moment between noise and comprehension, he heard static, and then—a low hum.

“What’s so funny, Ben?” Poe asked.

Ben’s eyes snapped open. Both Poe and Olia stared at him from their seats, and he realized he was smiling, laughing at nothing. He bit his lip.

 _Weird but cute_ , Poe thought.

Ben knew if he asked Uncle Luke about “the noise that stars made in the Force” it would only scare him (Uncle Luke already didn’t like how he heard thoughts, he learned long ago to hide it). So he kept it to himself and tried to remember the pastel hum and that even though he was weird, Poe also thought he was cute.

Kylo Ren leaned against the craft, debating, debating, and slammed the sleek metal with a fist. What would happen in the Force if he blew up a star?

The noise would probably stop.

He might care about that more than he did about the billions of people who lived in the First Order system and he tried not to consider what that meant about him but he remembered the pain in his head as Snoke told him he had too much compassion and he knew too late, the supreme leader never actually wanted to do anything but use him until he had something _better_ ….Kylo wanted to make it all stop and burn and he would fly away and….he hit the hull, not sure what he would do when he finished Snoke and the whole system, he would think about that when he got to it.

He wiped sweat from his face as he worked to prep the craft,, trying not to think about Snoke, trying not to think about the act of blowing up a star and billions of people, trying to look forward to feeling _safe_ , safe without the threat of Snoke sending troops after him or appearing in his head….

“Don’t think about that,” he whispered to himself. “He’s not here, he’s not here.”

No one was there. He sniffed and looked up; still no one had come. He could feel they were still at the Maw Installation, somewhere else. They said they wanted him but they didn’t, really—he was too—too--

It lasted an hour.

He struggled with a power coupling, biting his lip, unable to _not_ think about it--

Snoke refused to see him after Starkiller, in person or by hologram, instead sending him barely-healed on a mission far below his skill set, alone in his shuttle, and he knew this was about his failure, he had to earn his place and his training—he knew when he requested direct communication with the Supreme Leader and his request was denied….that never happened before. Something changed between them.

Later, days later, he heard the familiar old voice in his head, the one that used to keep him company, used to be a warm hearth in his lonely existence, but now the voice cut through him, a cold wind, and confirmed all his fears one by one.

_(“Kylo Ren, you are nothing.”)_

It lasted an hour, Snoke’s litany of truths long barely concealed—the half-glimpsed pursed lips after Kylo would say something, the hidden smiles after asking him to do something difficult, those moments Kylo convinced himself were nothing, all confirmed. Snoke never wanted him—Snoke _hated_ him.

He shouted into his head, all Kylo Ren’s faults and missteps and failings, he would never be powerful enough in the Force, that’s why his uncle gave up on him, but Snoke saw potential, he tried to mold him but he crumbled instead—

Kylo had held his head in his hands as it went on, trying to apologize but was shouted down inside his own mind, hunched in a corner begging forgiveness _—(“Please, Supreme Leader—Master—“_

_(“No. I will not have you. No one will. I tried out of pity but your usefulness to me has come to an end, Kylo Ren.”_

Kylo shook with anger, mostly at himself for sounding so pathetic, his fingers shook and he couldn’t work on the small power component and he threw it across the hangar, trying to breathe.

_(“I did everything you asked—Han Solo—“_

_“Only a fool would have interpreted my orders as you did. My troops will collect my shuttle. We are finished, Kylo Ren.”)_

Then silence. The cold wind gone, only the low thrum of engine noise as he drifted through space. He was alone, he was alone, shaking, Snoke was right, he was a fool and Snoke had replaced him, he had the girl, the girl was better, she would make a better apprentice, she should have been _his_ apprentice but Snoke got her first and now he was alone and on the run—

Everyone always left him, the freak who heard thoughts and noises from stars and had too much compassion yet too much hate, Snoke was right that no one wanted him, who would? His mother? No, she didn’t bother looking before he killed his—

Kylo leaned against the craft, taking off his gloves so he could work more easily, letting out a slow breath. He was safe. He was safe now, safe in the Maw cluster where no one could follow him.

Almost no one. Only the best pilot could do it.

Poe was here, his mom was here, but they didn’t want his help against the First Order, they thought he was crazy and spooked like a woolamander, his mom lied about wanting him home, she just wanted to “contain” him—

He straightened, heart pounding.

Poe.

The quick and steady mind approached, wondering what to say.

Kylo didn’t know what to say, either. He wanted to rage and scream but he wanted to…wanted someone to stay with him.

This was it. He could hardly believe it—Poe followed him, he actually followed him, and Kylo looked at his scarred bare hand, imagining Poe’s around it—

 _He’s just here to stop you_ , a voice in his head (it sounded a lot like Snoke) said. _He doesn’t care about you._

Kylo covered the biggest scar with his other hand. He had to be good. Had to be normal and not weird and maybe Poe wouldn’t leave--

_It’s too late for that. Besides, you can’t be normal or good or not weird._

Kylo tilted his head and smiled as he heard Poe’s thoughts--inwardly joking as he stepped over Threepio’s dismembered legs to get into the hangar. Then he quashed the smile.

“Can’t take him apart when you’re angry,” he said softly aloud, and bit his lip.

Poe followed him and he wasn't going to ruin it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He should say something, he should make Poe feel less afraid—Kylo looked at the open panel for something he could toy with to look busy, look like he wasn’t a threat, because he was a threat, and Poe knew it, Poe had every reason to be afraid and no reason to charge in recklessly for such a dangerous, unstable person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> astropixie is irresponsible with NaNoWrimo 2016....
> 
> Those of you who follow me on tumblr know I'm supposed to be writing my literature review this month for NaNo. Turns out writing 1600 words of fic is more fun.
> 
> Also, I updated the tags for "violence" for a really uncool moment in this chapter.

“Ben?”

Kylo looked up from…what was he doing? He knelt motionless by an open panel, a multitool in hand, dangling unused while he was lost in his thoughts, already ruining everything—

Poe radiated fear, cold like space, it chilled him as he approached _. Reckless reckless reckless BB-8 is right_ , Poe thought to himself.

He should say something, he should make Poe feel less afraid—Kylo looked at the open panel for something he could toy with to look busy, look like he wasn’t a threat, because he _was_ a threat, and Poe knew it, Poe had every reason to be afraid and no reason to charge in recklessly for such a dangerous, unstable person.

“We talked it over and we want you to join us,” Poe said. _Like we talked about_. “An alliance, like you talked about in your message. Let’s do it.”

Kylo nodded, still looking at the panel, struggling to speak. He managed, somehow. “Yes. Thank you.”

 _That’s it?_ Poe came a little closer, so afraid yet so reckless. _Talk about the ship maybe?_ “It needs a lot of work, huh?” 

Kylo gripped the multitool tight. “Are you offering to help?” He winced at himself; sarcasm, driving people away, typical—

Except…Poe relaxed after the joke. _Same old Ben in there somewhere._ “It’s tempting. The weaponry on this thing, it could end the war, huh.”

Kylo didn’t really care about the war anymore, he cared about killing Snoke and everyone like him, but he nodded.

 _Okay_ , Poe thought. _This is going better than I hoped._ “You want BB-8 to look at it?”

Kylo didn’t deserve this conversation, that gesture of kindness, not after everything. He nodded, throat tight.

“Okay.” _We can talk him out of using it later, this is good._ “Want me to call my droid in here? We can look at it now?”

Poe didn’t want anything to do with this death ship, these weapons, he wanted to “talk him out of it later.” Kylo touched his hand again, wondering. Could he go along with what Poe wanted, pretend so that Poe wouldn’t leave? And maybe saying he didn’t want to use the weapon wasn’t a lie, he meant it, he didn’t want to…but he didn’t see another option, Snoke was too strong and he was too weak…but then how could he abruptly announce that he changed his mind without letting Poe know he heard all his thoughts?

And then…he clenched his fist to think of it…What if Poe and his mother abandoned him immediately if he decided not to use the weapon? Their job finished, their obligation to the galaxy complete. That was the only reason Poe was here, after all—

“Ben?” _What’s wrong with him?_

Kylo could hit himself; he was quiet too long, Poe asked a question and he was too stupid to answer it, a simple yes or no—

He made up his mind. He wanted Poe to…to _like_ him, not be so afraid of him, his fear growing as the silence went on. “No,” he said. He swallowed and faced Poe, looking him in the eye for the first time. Poe looked back unblinking. “If we work together, we might not need to resort to…this.” He gestured to the hull.

Poe nodded slowly, a smile starting. “Okay. That sounds good, Ben.”

Kylo’s mouth twitched, almost smiling too. He liked when Poe called him “Ben.” It wasn’t true but he liked the lie from Poe’s lips.

Poe’s finger on the trigger of his blaster relaxed, and he stepped closer. _This is going way better than I hoped. Now just get this conversation elsewhere, and get back to helping Finn find Rey…_

Kylo grit his teeth, fighting the clenching feeling in his chest—Poe didn’t want to be here, he wanted to be somewhere else, with other people…finding _Rey_ , when he never bothered finding _Ben_ …

It was always like that. Whenever Ben spent time with Poe he always had the sense that Poe would rather be with his other friends—they were normal, they could have a full conversation and make Poe laugh with real jokes, not biting sarcasm—they could spend time in a group and not get lost in the emotions and thoughts and the mental litany, at first internal and then external as everyone else tired of him: _you’re too much of a freak to be here._

 _I wish Poe hadn’t invited that weird Ben kid._  

He would have been better off never being invited along on adventures in old hangars and through the jungle and exploring crumbling temples. It would have been better than the repeated cruelty of acceptance always out of reach.

Nothing had changed.

He tried one more time. He collected himself and sucked in a breath. “Poe, I—I’m glad you’re here.”

He didn’t know what else he could say.

 

_* * *_

“Poe, I—“ Ben glanced up at him; his eyes ringed by dark circles. “I’m glad you’re here.”

Poe breathed a sigh of relief, allowing a smile to cross his face. This was going well, better than he thought possible. Ben was responding to him, he seemed calm, cooperative—all he had to do was move this party to their ship, they could get going, focus on getting Rey back from Snoke—

Kylo threw his multitool across the hangar with a shout. Poe touched his blaster but stayed where he was, watching.

“Fine!” Kylo screamed, the calm demeanor gone. He paced, clawing at his own hands. “Go find her, then!”

Poe watched him pace near the ship, not sure where this was coming from, unless—he shivered as he realized. “Are you reading my mind?”

“Go!” Kylo looked at him, dark eyes wild. “Just leave!”

He raised a hand and suddenly Poe couldn’t breathe. He gasped, clawing at invisible hands at his neck.

“Everyone leaves!” Kylo raged while Poe struggled for breath, vision clouding, blaster falling uselessly to the deck. “Just _GO!_ ”

Poe went flying across the hangar. It was a lot funnier when it happened to Threepio.

He hit a solid bulkhead with a thunk and slid to the deck, gasping for breath and wincing at the pain in his head—from lack of oxygen and from the impact, the back of his head stung and a quick brush of his hand came away smeared red. He touched his neck, coughing and keeping an eye on Kylo, wishing he could reach his blaster.

Would Leia rush in? She was probably watching everything. He could barely move, his head swam—he doubted he could walk away right now. He needed to diffuse the situation somehow, talk his way out of it--

“What do you mean—“ he coughed. “When you say everyone leaves?”

Kylo leaned against the ship, eyes closed.  

Poe plunged ahead, rasping. “Do you mean Snoke? He has Rey now so he—“

“Stop.” Kylo wrapped his arms around himself. “Just leave already like I know you want to. Go find _Rey_ , even though you never bothered to look for me!”

Oh.

Kylo bit his lip, as if he said too much.

That wasn’t fair. That was not fair of him to say. Poe wanted to walk away. He had every right and every reason. Kylo Ren had hurt him too many times.

But this made sense now—he glanced up at Kylo, who watched him and hugged himself, eyes wide—the weapon, the message, everything, was just a big test. In the aftermath of Snoke choosing Rey over him he wasn’t just lashing out at the entire First Order, he was lashing out at…everyone else who he thought abandoned him.

Poe stood shakily.

Kylo watched him, arms still wrapped around himself as if holding in a bleeding wound.

If someone left him again, he might be lost forever.

“I’m not leaving,” Poe said.

“Why not?” Kylo hugged himself tighter.

“Your parents didn’t look for you when you left,” Poe said softly.

Kylo shook his head. “You didn’t either. You never tried.”

Poe took a deep breath, fighting the urge to shout at him for the unfairness of that statement. “Look, you could have come straight to us instead of making us chase you into a system of black holes.” Something clicked. “Wait. You knew I was the only person stupid enough to fly in here.”

“And—“ Kylo broke off.

Poe raised his eyebrows.

“And good enough,” Kylo finished.

This wasn’t fair, why was Kylo so…obsessed with him? They used to be friends but that was ages ago. “Well, we’re here now, okay? It’s going to be okay.”

“It’s still not real,” Kylo said, voice wavering. “You only came here to protect other people from me, not for me.”

Poe could rip his hair out. “Don’t you think you’re setting yourself up for this? You’re making me feel like I’m failing some test for how I feel about you but I can’t pass, you made it impossible. I’m here. I’m telling you I won’t leave without you. What more do you want?”

Kylo didn’t speak.

“Damn it, Ben, you have to say something, I think I’ve done pretty well over here.”

“I can’t,” he said. “I can’t say it.”

Poe stared. This was no the snarking, confident Kylo Ren from a month ago. This was a half-exploded frag mine, a shell of a man who could go off at any time, and Poe needed to disarm it—

“I’m not a mine!” Kylo shouted, advancing on him. “I’m not a shell!”

“Then talk to me!”

Kylo clenched his fists, silent.

Poe shook his head—and stopped, the motion hurt. “We can talk more on the way back, okay?” He took a tentative step toward the exit. “Let’s go…oh…”

Blood loss.

He stumbled, legs suddenly collapsing, hands thrown out to stop the fall, and a blur of black rushed toward him as his eyes closed.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Your mother never did understand the Dark side,” Vader told him. “I understand.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Starting the year off right with some benpoe and some mother-son reconciliation, enjoy!

Kylo caught Poe with the Force, using all his control to set him down gently, despite his internal anger at hurting him yet _again_. Poe’s curly black hair clumped in the back, wet with blood.

“He needs medical attention.”

Kylo didn’t look up at his mother, who stood in the hatchway with her arms crossed.

“Let’s get going.” It was an order, more from a general than a mother. “Will this fly?”

He didn’t want a general, he wanted his mom, his mom to tell him it was okay—what happened to “sweetheart?” What happened to “let’s go home?”

She knelt and touched Poe’s forehead, and his neck, checking for a pulse. They were so close, he hadn’t been this close to his mother or indeed anyone for a long time. But the attention was not on him.

Whenever something like this happened when he was younger, a long night or a time when Leia couldn’t come home because she was helping someone else, Ben would retreat to his room, turn off the lights, curl up with his blanket, and his grandfather would appear. Anakin Skywalker, strong and with a reassuring smile, telling him adventure stories of the Old Republic. And, when he was older, worried about the darkness inside of him, about Darth Vader. Sometimes Darth Vader would appear instead.

“Your mother never did understand the Dark side,” Vader told him as he trembled trying to calm himself—he overheard her thoughts to send him away to Uncle Luke. “I understand.”

Kylo watched Leia and Poe and realized that if Snoke had been pretending to be his grandfather the whole time, then—then….

Had anyone ever been there for him?

Loved him?

Even now, when Kylo really needed her, his world falling apart all over again, she was more worried about Poe, worried about tending to his wound. Feeling trapped on this _monstrosity of a space station_ with her unstable son and no way to navigate out unless she could get _Ben_ to help her.

“He'll be okay, but let's get moving. I want to take this ship,” Leia was saying aloud. _Is he even listening?_ she wondered. “Will it fly?”

It seemed so unimportant. He needed to know, first—he needed to know if she ever loved him.

It was too big a question. His eyes stung with tears he refused to let fall as he struggled to say anything. Poe thought he was a freak, a bomb. His mother had all those same thoughts. His father had those thoughts too, at the end, that Ben was crazy, and _he bad feeling about this…_

“Ben,” Leia said firmly. She stood, knees cracking audibly. “I’ll fly us out if I have to but you’re a better pilot than me.” _Doesn’t he want to get Poe to safety? Doesn’t he feel guilty?_ “Help me.”

He should feel bad. He flushed. He did feel bad. He deserved their scorn. Snoke was right. About everything. No one would ever love him, even if he was perfect from now on, following her orders, staying quiet and doing anything she asked.

“I need—“ he swallowed, his voice sounding stupid and loud. “I need BB-8’s help. I—“ he tried to explain about the power coupling that he couldn’t repair because his hands shook too much, but it sounded stupid.

 _Finally_. Leia nodded and barely started requesting the droid to join them with the little orange and white ball rolled in, checking on Poe, who stirred.

Leia gestured for him to come help with Poe, and Kylo closed his eyes—why did he do that, why did he hurt Poe again---no, it didn’t matter, Poe wouldn’t have wanted him no matter what he did or didn’t do.

He needed—he needed reassurance, what if he helped them and they left him again? If he didn’t screw up, if he stopped hurting people, would they love him? Or would they just use him and leave him? He needed her to say anything at all about their conversation earlier, which she clearly had listened in on. Why didn’t they look for him? Why did they look for Rey and not him? But she didn’t say anything.

It was the same as being with Snoke. Kylo always needed reassurance. Snoke was always mad at him. Never celebrated anything he did right, only focused on what was wrong with him.

He didn’t want to go through this again.

“Are you going to leave me?” Kylo burst out. He wished he hadn’t said anything. Oh, no. Leia’s mind raced too fast to catch anything. All he could sense was _anger_. She stepped close to him, and Kylo flinched away, heart pounding as the silence stretched on. She reached out her hand.

“I love you,” she said.

He wasn’t sure he believed it, but he would pretend he did.

* * *

Poe awoke to a cold wet cloth on his forehead, a droplet of water running down his face. He sputtered and blindly batted the air, making contact with something metallic.

BB-8 trilled indignantly, white washcloth dangling from a thin extension arm.

“And you said you can’t polish my X-Wing,” Poe quipped softly.

He sat up, bleary-eyed, noting that next to him in a passenger seat was Threepio’s limbs, stacked neatly and wrapped in bonding tape, crash webbing keeping him in place. Then he looked up—this was an unfamiliar ship, not the one that he had flown into the Maw—this was Imperial design—and old—and being piloted by Kylo Ren in the seat directly ahead, with General Organa in the co-pilot seat.

This was not the plan. This was _so_ not the plan.

Poe settled back. At least his suicide mission to talk Kylo down wasn’t a total disaster. In fact things seemed to have gone better than he expected after being thrown into a bulkhead and continuing to fail diffusing the situation, Kylo desperately asking him for something he wasn’t sure he could provide. How Leia managed to get him to come along, he had no idea. Probably it had to do with the ship they were on.

Leia turned in her seat to look at him. “Commander. How do you feel?”

“General.” Poe tentatively touched the back of his head, which was bandaged up. “I hit my head pretty bad if we are on the ship I think we’re on.”

She smiled at him. “It’s a perfect ship for a rescue mission.”

“Rescue?”

“We’re in the system where they took Rey.”

Poe blinked. “What?”

“Mom,” Kylo said urgently. “Star Destroyer ahead. It’s moving fast.”

“Nothing can damage this ship, was that right?” Leia asked. The massive ship loomed ahead, growing larger in their viewport. “Quantum crystalline armor?”

“It’s supposed to be able to withstand anything. But it’s old.”

Poe watched them from the passenger seat, feeling surreal. Hadn’t they just hours ago been too awkward to speak to each other? Now they worked together like a seasoned crew of fighters, talking tactics.

Then again, maybe that was the natural state of being for the Solo family—fighting.

“That ship—it’s almost empty,” Kylo said, staring at it.

“Do you have a security code that could fool them long enough to get past?” Leia asked.

Kylo was quiet a moment, then made a noise like a soft laugh. “No need. Rey is flying it.”

Well, it wouldn’t be out of character for Rey to rescue herself and steal something valuable. Poe exchanged a glace with Leia, who shrugged. “Okay. Try to send her a message.”

“Let me talk,” Poe said. Leia handed him the link to the ship’s comm. “Indestructible, right?” he confirmed.

“But it’s old,” Kylo warned.

Well, if Kylo was wrong about who the pilot was, at least the consequences wouldn’t be too bad. “Incoming Star Destroyer, I order you to surrender your ship immediately.”

Silence. The Star Destroyer continued bearing down, and behind it were the shipyards—more Star Destroyers, distant bright toylike triangles in rows, tiny teeth biting into space. There were also pinpricks of reflected light, glimmering—not stars, but something small and moving. TIE fighters, distant but gaining.  Poe was just about to ask if Kylo was sure, but then—

“I found it first, Poe,” Rey’s voice crackled through the ship’s ancient comm system. “What are you doing here?”

“Rescuing you,” Poe said. Suddenly the giant Star Destroyer in front of them looked almost fun and inviting. “Although you seem to have things under control.”

“I got this far but I think I’m being followed.”

“There wasn’t a smaller ship you could take? That might have something to do with it.”

“You said you were rescuing me, what’s the plan?”

Leia took the comlink. “We’re going to blow up the sun.”

Poe stared at her. Kylo turned from the controls to look at her, face drawn. Leia stood between the pilot and co-pilot seats, putting her hands on his shoulders. “We’re going to destroy Snoke, this shipyard, this whole damn system.”

Poe wasn’t sure how he felt about that. Yes, this ship and its weaponry was the best chance they would have to do serious damage to the First Order. But it wasn’t just a military target, there were inhabited civilian planets here too.

“You can do that?” Rey asked after a few seconds of silence.

“General—“ Poe said, trying to have a discussion about this. She glared, and Poe shut his mouth. He had never seen her this way before. She gripped the back of Kylo’s chair, leaning over the controls.

“We need to get close to the sun and deploy one of the missiles onboard this ship,” Leia said. “Cover us.”

They flew away from the shipyard and space stations and inhabited worlds, heading for the system’s sun.

* * *

The first time Kylo had seen a sun up close was with Poe.

Here they were again.

An infinite wall of roiling plasma greeted them—with this armor, the ship could withstand the buffeting radiation and storms, getting closer than should be possible. The swaying of the ship in the violent space near the star almost felt like being at sea. Rey hung back in her new ship, a grim guard against the oncoming fighters.

Kylo set up the launch sequence, hands moving across the controls. One missile would start a chain reaction inside the star. It didn’t operate like a normal missile, it wouldn’t explode, it was specifically engineered to cause havoc within minutes of firing it into the star….Did this star have a noise too? He didn’t want to concentrate and find out. “This isn’t just a shipyard,” he said. “There are two inhabited planets.”

 _Huh. Voice of reason_ , Poe mused.

“And the Hutt-spawn who hurt my son lives on one of them,” Leia said. Kylo looked up at her, hardly believing it. She did care about him. She said it earlier, but now, he could see, it was real—and he could feel her anger, it wasn’t directed toward him at all. She wanted revenge.

His mother was terrifyingly powerful in the Force, her face glowing bright in the glare from the sun, and something else.

They were more alike than he realized.

And far from trying to stop him, she wanted to use the weapon herself. For him.  

He hugged her, burying his face in her shirt, clinging like he used to as a small child. Her hands stroked his hair, his back. She rocked him from her standing position, and he felt…safe.

 _I don’t want to use it_ , he thought.

Leia nodded and reached for his hands. Held them firmly in her small ones. He looked up at her.

“I would burn every star out of the sky for you,” she said.

“I know,” he said.

* * *

Poe got up as quietly as he could, not wanting to interrupt. He waved for BB-8 to shut up and follow him. In the compartment behind the cockpit, Poe clicked the comlink on. “Rey, how much time do we have?” he asked softly.

“They’re almost here,” she answered. “What’s happening?”

Leia motioned for Poe to come back. “Change of plans,” she said, sitting down in the co-pilot’s chair. “Let’s go home.”

A few hours later, safely away from the First Order system, they docked their tiny but destructive ship in one of the hangar bays of Rey’s impressive getaway Star Destroyer. It gleamed, entirely new, a far cry from the abandoned station they had just left, although it was eerily similar in design. Unfortunately they didn’t also get a complement of TIE fighters in the new craft, but still, capturing a ship this size would be a huge addition to their little fleet.

Kylo guided them to where the medical bay should be—like the hangar, it hadn’t been fully supplied yet. But a new, possibly never before-powered-up medical droid tended to Poe’s head and didn’t seem to notice that they were rebels. He sat on the edge of an examination bed, wincing as the droid inspected his wound.

“Please stay still,” the droid said in a flat electronic voice.

Poe being seen to, Leia, Rey, and BB-8 left to explore the main parts of the ship and confirm it was actually safe to fly, seeing as Rey had stolen it from a shipyard production line. Leaving them alone.

Kylo chewed his lip, clearly wanting to say something, but keeping quiet. Poe remembered he used to do that. Always quiet unless Poe said something first, always following him on explorations instead of starting them himself.

“Did you manage to convince her not to do it?” Poe asked. “Was that you?”

Kylo nodded.

He thought so. “Good,” Poe said, nodding, or trying to—the medical droid stopped him with a rough metal hand gripping the top of his head.

“Please stay still,” the droid said.

“I screwed up,” Kylo said.

Poe almost nodded again.

“Please stay still,” the droid repeated.

“Are you done?” Poe asked it. “Can I go?”

“You are cleared for light duty. Report to your division.”

“Glad to hear it, I’ll do that.” Poe hopped down from the examination bed and grabbed his jacket. Exploration time. “Come on, let’s walk.”

They walked the halls of the Star Destroyer, together but a few feet apart. Neither spoke. It unfortunately reminded Poe of being aboard the _Finalizer_. The mask, the glove, the pain in his head…

“I keep hurting you,” Kylo said suddenly.

Poe suspected he was listening and responding to his thoughts again, but then, when they were kids it happened a lot, too. Weird but cute Ben. “I think you can stop hurting me. And everyone. You ready to stop?”

“I never want to hurt you.”

“And yet…” Poe said, gesturing to the bandages on his head.

“Were you telling the truth?” Kylo asked. “You won’t leave?”

Poe laughed without much humor. “I don’t get you. You can read minds. But you don’t know what I’m thinking.”

"No."

"And I don't know what you're thinking, either. We're going to have to figure out _talking_ to each other."

They stopped at an observation port. Perfect darkness greeted them, a deep night, their reflections clear in the transparisteel like a mirror.  It took a few moments for his eyes to adjust to the lighting, and then he could make out distant stars.

“My mom is still debating about the missiles.” Kylo looked at him in the reflection.

Poe did the same, meeting his eyes. “I don’t think it’s a good idea to use those.”

“Agreed.”

“What do you say we test the turbolasers on this bucket of bolts?”

Half an hour later, the twelve missiles drifted in space, small harmless-looking pods turning and dispersing. Poe and Kylo found a weapons station with a view.

“Let’s do this,” Poe said, turning the station on. Lights glowed ready to fire.

“I’ll take the blame,” Kylo said.

Poe clapped a hand to his shoulder. “You know. I think we’re going to be okay.”

Kylo leaned into his touch, and together, they watched the fireworks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to think they'll name the Star "Destroyer" the "Star Saver" or something.
> 
> Follow me on [tumblr!](http://sadaboutstarwars.tumblr.com)


End file.
